My mother’s constant nagging. Her complaints of how "school is easy, and l do nothing." My teacher’s endless amounts of work, thinking they’re the only honors class l have, or class at all. My coach’s obsession with fitness, and conditioning. My aching body telling me l need to slow down. The physical and mental pain is too much. The frustration builds up, and l'm ready to explode. My mind is no longer whole. It's scrambled in all directions, moving away from me as if l'm tainted.
Sleeping would be too easy. Closing my mind and falling into a bliss of false emotions. Instead l stay awake. My iPod is my baby, l take her with me everywhere. When l feel like this she is who l go straight to. l grab her, a jacket, and sometimes a book. Running down the stairs in my mixed emotions make my steps sound like thunder, alerting everyone l'm on the way, and in a rush. "Where are you going? Mom, she's leaving!" This sentence holds no importance to me. I continue opening the door. As l hear my mother’s nagging voice asking where am l going l close the door. l know she won't fallow.
The fresh air hits my face, chilling my body. I put on my jacket, plug my baby into my mind, and walk. Generally l don't know where l'm going. I just walk. Walk till my feet hurt. As long as l got my baby, l'll be fine. Most times l lead myself to the park. Finding the furthest spot from civilization. I then lay down, carefully bending my body so that l can sit without discomfort. I take out my baby and lay her down inside my already kicked off K-Swiss.
Criss-cross- apple-sauce, most comfortable position. I pull up my hoodie, close my eyes and relax. Being between the beautiful blue sky and the glossy green grass makes me feel safe. Safe enough to let a tear shed. Once l'm done, l lay down. Grab my iPod, find a soothing song and blast it. I hear nothing but the music of my favorite bands. The voices of doubt, anger, obsession, and fear are gone.
After sitting for nearly two hours l get up to walk home. I put my constricting shoes back on, flip through my songs for a "hardcore rock" song and walk home, leaving my hoodie up. I feel fresh, renewed. As I walk l notice things l hadn't before. Like how the laughter of a little girl is magical. How the little boy at the corner is trying so desperately to dunk a ball, and even though he can't make it he doesn't give up. Then l turn the corner and l see my family. There's a million kids screaming in joy in front of my house. As l approach they all scream my name followed by "Are you ok?"
My "happy place" doesn't bring me happiness, it simply reminds me of the happiness l already had. The calmness of the earth brings me back to sanity. My mind rushes to get back together. Refocusing on the important things. Just as it does l realized how much work l have, but l don't explode this time. My baby and the world did its job. All is calm.
For now.
No comments:
Post a Comment